Princess Winnifred: A Life of Goo
by EriChanHime
Summary: Princess Winnifred, now the wife of Prince Dauntless, tells her soon-to-be-distressed husband a bedtime story about herself


_**Princess Winnifred: A Life of Goo…**_

What, Dauntless, dear? You want a bedtime story… Um… How about my life story? That should put you to sleep in no time at all. I can see you're already nodding sleepily, my darling little swamp mallow. Well, golly, let's see. I come from the land of the foggy, foggy dew. But we've been over that already. My mother and father were quite doting parents; I never had any other siblings, so they could afford to be. They were always so cute together. He called her honey-bunches, and she called him stud-muffin—and if he resembled more of the muffin towards his latter years, she never complained. I always desired someone who would adore me as much as they did each other. And you do, don't you darling? Aw, your little sleepy snorts are so lovely. Unfortunately, there aren't many eligible men in our kingdom. Mostly first cousins, and nephews and such. Not a great availability for romance there! Plus they were all obsessed with mud-wrestling; there're quite a lot of suitable playing fields about, as you could guess. I tried it once or twice when I was younger, and just couldn't see the sport. And they told me I couldn't play anymore once I'd beaten them all. Ah, well. Oooh, but I dreamed of the day I would be married, and have someone to dote on, and wrestle with, and dance with, and raise children with, and­…Dauntless, dearest, do look at me when I'm telling you things like this.

Anyway, I had lots of pets that I lavished all my nurturing and attention on. All my sweet little froggies! They each had names, you know. Let's see…there was Guinevere, and Archibald, and Theodore, and Howard, and Georgette, and Bob. Oh, they were precious dolls. I even made clothes for them. Funny how they'd wriggle with excitement whenever I'd dress them up like tiny lords and ladies. Now, Guinevere, I'd say, you must sit up to have your tea, mind. No slumping into the cup, dear. Occasionally, I'd sneak one into bed to play with after everyone else was asleep. Of course, that didn't last long; if you wiggle your toes in your sleep, they will just wrap their long, sticky tongues all around you. Such an awful mess. Lovely memories, though. Of course, that was when I was very young. As I grew, I learned the tale of the Frog Prince. I thought for sure all my problems were over! I could be married. I fancied that Howard sometimes cast loving glances at me, as would no doubt befit a poor Prince trapped in that goopy form, unable to openly declare his love. I waited until my nanny had gone off to snoring in her chair, dressed him in the top of one of Daddy's robes, so that when he came into his true form, he'd be decent. Not that I wasn't curious, mind, but one must use the proper decorum, and Mummy wouldn't have approved at all. So, I gave him the most fantastic kiss! Now, Dauntless, don't squirm so, I've washed my face many times since, don't you know. I was most insulted when he remained a frog. Such sadness was mine, for about a week. Of course, there were other prospects. I kissed all of them at least once, some of my favorites, more than that. Until, unfortunately, my mother caught me one day and Daddy had a talk with me. Seems that only very rare species of frogs can effect the amphibian/royalty transformation. Sadly, our marshland didn't possess those species. From somewhere in the Orient, I believe. No matter.

Such lovely little lizards used to slip through the mud outside my windows, too, you know. Gracious, a precious color of brownish moss, they were. I caught one that I was rather partial to. Of course, it was male; girls can tell these things intuitively; and I was always partial to male animals. Goodness, how I dreamed of a handsome Prince or Knight to come rescue me from my tower, or at least my room—it was at least on the second story. My parents would have welcomed him, too, I believe. I think they were getting rather exasperated with my attempts to find one myself. I had already bothered the court magician—a nice, grandfatherly type man with a long white beard—quite a bit. I was certain that if he put enough effort into it, he could turn one of our suits of armor into a real man. You needn't chuckle so, my mud angel. It made perfect sense at the time. Anyway, I was telling you about my dear lizard. Sir Ferdinand the Ferocious, I dubbed him. The only ferocious thing he did was to bite my lip and hang off it audaciously when I tried my reptile/royalty theory out on him. I was hoping for at least an Earl; sadly no. Just a bruise.

It was then my parents decided to give me music lessons, to occupy my mind, they said. Strangely, they would get everyone out of the castle while I practiced. I was not to have my delicate concentration broken, they said. My music teacher was a plump woman with a perpetual grimace, especially as our lessons went on. So sad to see the elderly looking so bitter. Ah, well. What's a girl to do? I tried to play things as she told me to. Not ever my fault when the chandelier broke during my singing lessons. Freak accident, my love; granted it happended twice. Stop putting the pillow over your head, my Swamp Spring; you'll obstruct your air supply. Now, it worries me when you do such things; almost keeps me from continuing, it does, you know I've always been rather shy, and it's a discouragement when you act disinterested. It all started when I accidentally abused that traveling strong man who visited our courts when I was ten. He swore I could punch him as hard as I wanted, and he was so confident in his superb musculature that I couldn't possibly faze him in the slightest. Could I help it that he was tall and I was short? I swung with all my might! He crumpled rather inelegantly into a groaning lump on the ground. Gracious, don't make such pained burbling noises, Dauntless; he recovered, I think. My parents paid him extra for his pains the next morning when he left, still limping about. Poor man. I always was a bit strong for my size. I've always been good at that kind of thing. But that was a while ago still. And I have been always pining for my one true love to come riding up and carry me off! I always kept a little satchel packed just in case. Then finally, my prayers were answered!

Oh, the dreamy wonder… Sir Harry came to take me away to my wonderful Prince. Such a sweet gentleman, he was. Just adorable and helpful as anything. I was rather anxious to get going. Kissed my parents good-bye, I did, and ran out without my luggage! This is the farthest I've ever been from my home, and well, the scenery and atmosphere were a bit different, but… That's all okay, though. Harry lent me a saddle blanket for the nights. Did I mention how enthusiastic he was to find me? Good golly, but he was eager to get to the castle! One might think he had some ulterior motive for bringing me back. Now, Dauntless, snoring like that, really! I am almost finished, and you know, you asked for a story. Harry's a darling, good young man, yes. Fantastic weaponry he carries, too. He rather cringed when I used his sword to cut breakfast, but took it like a true noble gentleman. He'll be a good catch; knows how to cook, too. Funny, after dinner the night before, he simply refused to let me dirty my hands with the cooking. Fairly screamed when he thought I was going to take charge of lunch. So chivalrous. Such a servant's heart in nobility is rare. But then, here we were! At the drawbridge of your castle, my one and only Prince!

How I had longed for and dreamed of this moment! And I simply couldn't wait to meet you. So perfect had Sir Harry told me we would be together! Oh, and he was right! We must see about getting that bridge to lower faster; I couldn't wait; I just swam right over. Quite easy, really, and so worth it! Because here we are, my wonderful Dream-Come-True. Oh, Dauntless, such a fabulous future we have ahead of us! Children and everything, and…Dauntless, darling? Dauntless, are you really asleep…?


End file.
